My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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