dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
