According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
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before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.