this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
