dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
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I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
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HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life