Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
