just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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