i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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