Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
