I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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