Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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