all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Just took my morning after pill in the library
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
