it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Your penis caused this!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
