Apparently you make a good broom.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
