Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
