When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This Twitter User’s Story About Meeting A Notorious Serial Killer Will Leave You Shook
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
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Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.