I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"