Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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