how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
