Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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