The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
