Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
