Sorry, I don't speak sober.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
