we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
