I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
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I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
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I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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