I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
of course. lets lasso hookers.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
