We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
