I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
