: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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