Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
