does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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