he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
