So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
