Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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