I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
