somebody snuck up and got me drunk
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Randomize
