Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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