awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
