I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
