So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
