he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
