the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
