while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
