Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
