No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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