she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
