was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
did you just send me my own nude
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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