Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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