Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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