On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
