Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
