i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
