Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
