I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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