Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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