there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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