Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
