is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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