i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
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Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
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Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
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