My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
