true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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