I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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